The Orange County Screenwriters Association
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Mark Sevi

Mark Sevi

Teenage Dirtbag

On Tuesday night (10.20.09)  O.C. filmmaker Regina Crosby’s film “Teenage Dirtbag” screened at the Regency South Coast Village Theater. Since Ms Crosby has sold the distribution rights to the film to Universal (congrats due for that), and Universal has decided to take it direct to video, this was one of the rare times it could be seen big.

There was a Q&A with Director Crosby and Actor Michael Bradley after the screening led by Mark Sevi of the Orange County Screenwriters Association.

Thumbnail critique - a movie and evening worth the price of admission.



While Dirtbag isn’t a masterpiece and exhibts many flaws (including a choppy and inconsistent narrative thread,) Ms Crosboy shows a depth and breath of understanding of the human condition that finds its way into the small moments of this film. This is made even more amazing by the fact that this was her first produced script, and that Ms Crosby was tapped to direct only two days before the cameras were to roll - something that came as a complete shock to her when the producers of the film  suddenly released several of the crew including the original director just days before principal photography. Since there were already too many balls in the air to reschedule the shoot, the producers convinced Crosby, with no measurable directing experience, to step in.  

To her unending credit, she did a masterful job wringing out powerful performances from her actors and getting great work from her crew. The film feels professional, works on many levels and manages to surprise even while delivering on the “expected” moments.

The story is somewhat basic, told non-linearly in the form of a long flashback: Cheerleader Girl from right side of tracks finds Freaky Boy from wrong side of the tracks interesting. Girl meets Jerk, Jerk turns out to be troubled, sensitive type, girl falls in love with him through his writing (they attend the same creative writing class) but ultimately turns on boy because she can’t be in love with Freaky Guy from wrong clique and, more importantly, he makes her feel things she does not want to feel - like life isn’t this tidy, comfortable package for everyone - and he has the physical and emotional wounds to show it.

Crosby never goes for the easy moments - the “Hollywood” moments all too expected these days. Even the “big” moments found in every drama in Crosby’s hands are tighter, smaller and much more personal - like you’re reading someone’s diary. A knife to the throat is diffused in a confusion of shouting and an unexpected release of tension; the central characters, although experiencing what most of us would call deep, passionate love, never really kiss and in fact The Amber character, well-played by Israeli actress Noa Hegesh, has relations with a lot of young men but never the one who captures her heart and her mind.

A real find in this film is the male lead, Scott Michael Foster. When he is on stage you are never sure which way his smoldering energy will take him. I wish he had attended the screening so some insight into his process could have been explored. But watch for him - he’s the real deal and I promise he will be seen again and again.

Michael Bradley as the creative writing teacher was another revelation. His pitch perfect performance was so infused with veracity, you could swear he was actually a teacher in a classroom who simply had a camera embedded in the ceiling to capture his real creative writing classes.

A sharp soundtrack embraces, enhances, and keeps the action rolling without feeling like a constant music video. Lines like “your face brings me death every day, and every day I can’t wait to die ” or "I plead for normal between these walls, for hell to take the night off" (recited as poems in class) keep you thinking and listening to dialogue that beats out like simple truths.

One of the nice narrative techniques used to get the couple to learn about each other was the clever use of a notebook passed between them to communicate silently in study hall.  This gave the exchanges a lot more intimacy and immediacy - in today's world it would be texting each other - and that notebook's contents would have been lost to the Amber character forever.  Digital memories can be very fleeting unless they are saved properly and who bothers keeping texts?  An old notebook, casually tossed into a box, can yield a real treasure of memories when it's uncovered years later.  This was true for Amber and formed a vital endnote to the film.  

Ms Crosby’s movie is as personal as her life. Inspired by true events (a legal definition,) the painful “true” events play out as a paean to physical and emotional pain at a time when the world is both electrifying and terrifying - in other words, high school. Dreams are born and shattered; love is gained and lost; and sometimes life ends more abruptly than ever imagined. You turn around and you’re having kids, paying mortgages and working a job you never imagined having. But there is that...summer - or that semester...or that one teacher or boy in the hall or girl at the football game who changed you for the better and worse. This then is the movie.

An odd phenomena of this film is that it truly gets better and more accessible with each viewing. I saw it three times - twice to do the Q&A and once in the theater. Each time I found myself more involved and engaged with these lives. I noticed subtleties in the narrative and dialogue that had escaped me before. I’d even see this again to see what new information I could glean from this film and the subtle truths it  presents.

There were times when I wished for a bit more insight about the back and forth between the couple but sometimes it can be good to allow the film to just present the moments and you fill in your truth.

Dirtbag is being released to video this week and in On Demand in some markets. See it. Don’t expect it to bowl you over - just to get under your skin and stay there.
 

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Red Cliff (Chi bi)

All good filmmakers have some poetry in their souls no matter what genre they express themselves in. In the case of filmmaker John Woo, he finds the ballet of violence and force against force to be his haiku (yes, I know haiku is Japanese and Woo is Chinese but just go with it.) 

In his soon-to-be-released "Red Cliff" Woo once again shows why he is a director who must express our humanity with blood and battle. But "Red Cliff" is so much more than a foxtrot of fists or a sonnet of swords. It's an all out, balls first, epic - with a heart. It's about big moments, small moments - the huge tapestry of life, and life on the edges of despair and death.



The Event:
This was the West Coast premiere of the film. The red carpet was out at the Regency South Coast Village Theater for Woo and the Newport Beach Film Festival's movie club with theater host (and OC Screenwriter's Board member) Larry Porricelli doing his best harried Master of Ceremony shtick keeping people of all social bents moving and flowing to the event. General seating was available and over 500 people came to see the movie and listen to Woo talk about filmmaking. The Q&A with Director Woo was serviceable if uninspired. Here's a living legend who still burns with the same passion he had decades ago when he introduced superstar Chow Yun Fat and astounded us with bloodbaths that seemed like they were coreographed by angry dance companies and I felt like the questions were too matter-of-fact for this legendary director who redefined what violence could look like on film.

The Q&A was oddly before the film which might have contributed to it being somewhat muted - I can't imagine why anyone would schedule like that so it must have been Mr. Woo's choice. He appeared not to have stuck around for the screening, perhaps having another commitment. At any rate, he was funny and personable even if the questions weren't.

The Movie:
"Red Cliff" is an epic without peer. It has huge, amazingly big, battle scenes that take your breath away. Woo said it took six months to train the horses and horsemen - easy to believe when you see the scope of those scenes. The period is the end of the Han Dynasty in China and a civil war is about to break out. This is the Battle of Red Cliff where an undersized and technically over-matched group of warriors defeated the Imperial Army. Several unconquered clans ally in order to beat back the inevitable subjugation from Prime Minister Cao Cao who has browbeaten the Emperor into bringing the "Southland" under the Chancellor's nakedly ambitious banner. The source material is from "Chronicle of the Three Kingdoms" a historically accurate book source. It is is a story well-known to millions of Chinese people so bringing it to American audiences could have proven difficult. But war is war, death is death and ambition is known to all cultures so I don't think anyone was confused by the storyline or unengaged by the story and its many threads. A four hour plus version was released in Asia in two separate movies. Having seen the trimmed down American version, I'd be very interested in seeing the full epic.

The sheer scope of this picture makes you wide-eyed with wonder at how Woo did it. The battle scenes are second to none with large and small battlefield focuses. Woo pulls back to show you tens of thousands of warriors massing for battle, then comes closer as a battalion executes a perfect calvary maneuver, then finally dives blood-deep into the battlefield where men die in horrifying spurts of red. Forgive Mr. Woo for making some battlefield scenes more like an out of control superhero movie - these were legendary warriors who could take several arrows in the body and still decapitate a foe. They had to be given their due. One warrior could take on dozens of enemies and then easily knock down a horse and rider and ride that horse to safety - they were just that badass. There was even some Chinese Wushu opera thrown in when these super-warriors had to climb embankments and they scaled the dirt hills like billy goats on meth. 

For all its spectacle, Woo knows that a good story follows a character line and in this he delivers. There are several major players in this, all very compelling. From the intellectual and somewhat supernatural Zhuge Liang (Takeshi Kaneshiro) whose mission it is to unite the clans, to the strong and silent Zhou Yu (Tony Leung Chiu-Wai) whose wife is luminously played by actress Chiling Lin. Their relationship forms perhaps the best of the human poetry as they unite and then have to part because of the war.

The ending battle is a blaze straight from Hades as ships and men burn in a stunning conflagration thematically suggesting one of the final lines: "there are no winners here." Woo shows you the awesome and fearsome horror and, if there is such a thing, glory of war. No matter there were no guns then - men still managed to kill men by the thousands using arrows, catapults and brimstone (fire.) The rage in these warriors hearts matched the raging fires they used to kill each other, no quarter asked and none given.

Even without guns, the standard Woo-stuff rears its bloody and suspenseful head. A "Mexican-standoff" with swords and bows and arrows caps a long and violent ending attack sequence. So just like in all Woo films, whether it's "Hard Boiled" or "Red Cliff" the big battles rock but it's those small, one on one moments that make you clench your fists and grind your teeth. Also typical of the good Woo films, there were moments of tenderness, mysticism, humanity, lack of humanity, humor and everything in-between. In the course of telling a good story, all human experience should be showcased and it is here. My understanding is that it is even in more good display in the uncut version which I plan on seeing.

If you get a chance, see this film big - it would be a shame to see this masterpiece of filmmaking on a TV set, 1080 dpi or not. This is a true theater movie and it does not disappoint.

9/10 - incredible filmmaking. 

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Zombieland

"Time to nut up or shut up."

Zombieland is a big piece of yummy cake with buttercream icing.  It's Sprinkles Cupcakes, Crispy Cream Donuts.  Empty, fat calories but just too good to care.

As usual, I don't do spoiler alerts so be warned.

It's a Zombedy and a good one at that. Almost pitch perfect is the phrase that comes to mind. Couldn't say there were many false notes (except as a friend mentioned in one of his Facebook posts - who the hell is running the power grid that is amply used?) Plus, I have to say I wasn't wild about the Bill Murray character. Didn't add a lot to the story and felt a bit forced although Mr. Murray remains one of our most fearless actors. But those are minor issues in an almost perfect and fun film. "Men In Black," "Shaun of the Dead," "The Incredibles," - I'd rate it up there with those also almost perfectly-envisioned genre films.



It's a road trip so plot is secondary - let's just go from point A to point B and have some adventures along the way. In most road trips it's the journey, not the destination and the twists and turns along the way kept this one very enjoyable. Tallahassee's search for a Twinkie (pretty soon life's little twinkie gauge is gonna go empty) is fun sidenote as he goes from store to store looking for the elusive creamy cakes and having to fight off zombies who have populated these places. His line about the fact that there will be no more Twinkies someday is sober testimony to the reality surrounding the fun - it's gonna get much worse in Zombieland before it ever gets better. Also, the writer built in a "Xanadu-type" of mythology in that everyone knows a city where zombies don't live - except they're all wrong - there is no paradise on Earth anymore. This sort of stuff is under the surface but shows a solid creative understanding that even when your characters are having fun, they have to pay the price at some point.

The characters of Jesse Eisenberg and Woody Harrelson are well-conceived and unique enough to form a good alliance. Jesse is an OCD geek and Woody is an out-of-control cowboy.

Columbus: There are no penguins in the North Pole. 
Tallahassee: ...You wanna see how hard i can punch?

And the actors really deliver on those potentials in strong fashion. You know you're in a good film when you see the filmmakers delivering on scenes that you could only get from this plot and these characters. I don't think I've seen anyone kill zombies with more abandon, relish and creativity than Tallahassee (Woody) or someone be more surprised when he does than Columbus (Eisenberg.) Although Columbus always carries a shotgun and uses it effectively, he always seems shocked when it fires. Love that. The girls Wichita (Emma Stone) and Little Rock (Abigail Breslin) as two former (and current) grifters alone in a harsh world of zombies are just so believable and well-conceived that I never had a single moment when I doubted they could or would exist and they would continue to take the boys for whatever ride they wanted and that the Zombies themselves would be consistently outmatched by these strong female archetypes - girls rule in this film - seriously.

Okay, so going to the Disneyland-type of playground and riding the rides is a bit muddle-headed but the ending has a lot of fun taking place there as Tallahassee rides a merry-go-round and blows zombie brains out as he passes them. Then there's the scene where Harrelson locks himself in a wire cage and lets the zombies attack him - truly inspired as all the stuffed animals in the cage get blown to shreds while he takes out hundreds of zombies in the relative safety of this cage looking like a refugee from a John Woo film.

Dialogue sparkles. Just sparkles. It's funny, revealing, touching - everything you could want.
 

Little Rock: Who's Bill Murray? 
Tallahassee: Alright, I've never hit a kid before. I mean that's like asking who Gandhi is. 
Little Rock: Who's Gandhi?

Tallahassee: We got taken hostages by a twelve-year-old?
Columbus: Well, girls mature way faster than boys.

Insanely good stuff.

The "story mythology" is very strong with Columbus reciting his "rules" like "You need good cardio" - to outrun the Zoms, doncha' know? And "Double Tap" - the art of hitting, shooting or crushing a zombie's head 2x in order to make sure it's dead. Just really funny stuff and probably true if zombies were to really attack you.

And I really loved the idea of giving the characters the names of cities instead of real names - it speaks to the idea that this is a world in which you cannot trust anyone because they might suddenly turn into a zombie and eat you. Don't get too close, don't form deep alliances or attachments. A sad but true fact of a Zombie Apocalypse. And, of course, the lesson that they all have to learn - which is, you have to trust someone at some time to survive - zombies or not.

I'd say this film rates a nine-point-five out of ten - in fun, empty calories perhaps but as I've said, it's just too delicious to care. Look for a sequel soon, I'm sure. As much fun as this one was, I can see Zombieland 2, 3, 4, 5 and on coming. I really wouldn't mind one every Halloween.

See it.

Mark

 

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Jennifer's Body

 

(Possible Spoiler Alert! No worries, it doesn’t matter…)
 
Conceptually, Jennifer’s Body should is one of the most promising films of the millennium. First of all, it’s all girls, all the time (the boys are just kibble)venturing into the horror/comedy genre and that’s been Sam Raimi and his ilk’s macho territory, mostly. But the director and screenwriter forgot two important elements. If you are doing horror it should be at least kinda scary. If it’s a comedy, it should be sorta funny. And because of these gross oversights, you can talk until the zombies come home about any little gem (such as Meagan Fox’s performance, transcending the script) that accidentally shines through, but Jennifer is dead, baby.
 
High School hottie Jennifer (Meagan Fox) and her nerdy childhood friend Needy (Amanda Seyfried) live in the small town of Devil’s Kettle. Needy is a good, responsible, smart girl who sucked Jennifer’s blood from a puncture wound in the sandbox when they were children, even though Jennifer always made her play with the ugly dolls. And that, dear viewer is why Needy can…oh wait, let’s go back. So a poser Indie band decided to sacrifice a virgin because Satan is the only way they can make it big. They pick Jennifer, because the hottest girl in a seedy roadhouse is probably the only virgin around, right? But Jennifer isn’t even a “back door virgin.” And we find out that if you sacrifice a girl and she’s not a virgin…PEOPLE DIE!
 
Needy begins to notice fairly soon that something is up with Jen. When she shows up at Needy’s house covered with blood, growling and vomiting up an oil spill on the kitchen floor that was a HUGE clue. But the next day, Jen is her cool bitchy self, totally oblivious to the suffering of others, feeling “scrumptious” because she found out she’s especially hot after devouring some poor guy…when she’s done, they are “lasagna with teeth”.  When the going gets tough, the tough go to the library and Needy bones up on some demonic book learning. Now, I hate to be a nitpicking nerd myself, but the concept of “succubus” here is essentially used incorrectly. Succubus (Succubi?) don’t eat men, they torment them in their sleep and do actually engage in intercourse. Jen’s chomping on innards and slurping blood right and left; she teases and then she bites.  Hard.  Not a succubus. Twenty seconds on Wikipedia would have cleared that up.
 
This is a teenage movie so there’s a spring dance and Jennifer decides she needs to get herself some Chip (Johnny Simmons, Needy’s fuzzy cute and loyal boyfriend.   When Needy starts getting nervous because Chip’s a no show, she hauls ass in her hideous fuchsia formal to the exact spot where Jen is setting herself up with a Chip buffet. Know why? Ding, ding, ding, because she sucked Jen’s blood in the sandbox when they were tykes. So she knows everything thing Jen’s is doing. Just believe it because they said it, don’t think about it or you’ll be bitter like me. 
 
During this standoff Needy gallantry tries to save Chip and tells Jen off once and for all (“You’re insecure! You’re a jerk!”), and then one of the worst lines ever in the history of all movies I have ever seen is uttered: half-dead, Chip impales Jen through the gut with a huge pole and a bloody Jen says, “Got a tampon?” This got the biggest reaction from the audience I was with, all groans. Later, Needy rips off Jen’s “BFF” necklace and kills her and goes to an insane asylum, no-brainer because the film opens there. Way to build suspense.
 
And there’s some more, now here’s the thing, everyone loves a “Fatal Attraction” type ending, but if you are publicly broadcasting exactly what is going to happen ten minutes before, it’s actually softens the impact, dontcha think?
 
As an aspiring female screenwriter (just aspiring with the “screenwriter” part) I hate that Jennifer’s Body is no where near the movie it could have been. We learn an important lesson from Ms. Cody’s efforts and that is this: Don’t rest on your laurels. She scored with relevant teenage characters, great dialogue and slang in Juno. It’s going to take a bit more than a line like “Jesus Fries” (no one “honest to blogged” this time) to frighten an audience (although the tampon line was pretty dang close for me.) Look, I’m an easy mark, my bedroom ceiling fan looks like a Blair Witch stick figure and I had to sleep with the lights on for a week. The themes and concepts are well intentioned, but half baked. Hell is a teenage girl?  Tell me something I don’t know. Instead of depicting a shallow female relationship, why not delve into something deeper? Needy never tries to save Jen, she only tries to avoid her and then avenges her fate after the fact and that’s because she “got lucky” and has super powers due to a demon bite on the shoulder. (Oh, how Jen loved to nibble). Oh yeah, and why the lesbian scene between the friends? Never mind, don’t really want to know.
 
But hey, I may be totally off base here. A teenage friend on Facebook and her chum were shrieking that the movie is scary and had a grand time quoting lines between Jen and Needy. So maybe, once again, the little girls understand. Is this the future of horror then? Yikes.
 
I don’t totally hate myself for seeing this and I did learn an important lesson about growth as a screenwriter, falling on your own sword and all that...so…three lemons. Plus, Megan Fox is great!
 
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The Hurt Locker

"The Hurt Locker" is a film about a bomb squad in Iraq during a time when IEDs (improvised explosive devices) were rampant. There isn't much to spoil in this film because there is no real story. The film basically follows a 3-member team toward the end of their rotation - they have about 30 days left and their leader gets himself "blowed up good." A new team leader, in the form of a "Wildman" (Jeremy Renner) comes in, proceeds to run rampant and no one cares except the team members be puts into jeopardy.

That's it. Really.

There's car bombs, suicide bombs, body bombs (OMFG!) and

all kinds of devices that blow up. The Wildman is seemingly unconcerned about the length, depth or breath of any of these bombs - he's just gonna cut wires until they can't go boom anymore. His favorite approach to bomb diffusing is apparently at the end of a wire cutters and that's pretty much all there is to it, doncha' know?

There's the obligatory drinking-too-much scenes, the fighting-your-buddies scenes, and the this-is-a-crazy-mofo-war-isn't-it? scenes. Strung together, they're very episodic without much continuity (except the days to rotation countdown) or any real dramatic purpose. Somewhat like "Catch-22" except not nearly as amusing.

In an ending coda, you get the point of the juxtaposition of our American lives of peaceful excess and the insanity of the Iraqi war zone but that's not really enough of a thematic meal to stick to your symbolic ribs. You want more but Kathryn Bigelow ("After Dark") and the writer, Mark Boal, won't give it to you because, I suppose, this is supposed to be cinema verite-style filmmaking. Problem is, some of the "verite" scenes are so wholly unbelievable anyway and you wonder if it wouldn't have been better to just do a more traditional story that builds emotionally and has less verite.

What makes this movie work (when it does) are the tense moments when every shadow, every corner, every step could be a trigger or a bullet. Dying in Iraq feels like not a matter of if but of when. And that is a powerful and uncomfortable message. There's such a sense of fatalism so pervasive in this film - death lives in every sand dune and building. Plus the main character is an adrenalin junkie whose recklessness knows no bounds because he has no boundaries because he operates in a world of no boundaries. In one moment, the Wildman says "You know you can shoot people here. You don't have to throw wrenches at them." Hmmm. Interesting way to resolve a conflict, either way.

When one of the team members is wounded (it was inevitable) and he indicts the main character for being so reckless (also an inevitability) it's really anti-climatic. There's no insight here or to that scene - I can tease out the message but it probably could be a bit clearer so it could have had more impact. I know war is nucking futs; I know people get killed; I know even children and animals suffer. Tell me more - I'm hungry to know how one this is different - or is it different?  

On a minor note, I was a little disappointed when no one actually used the phrase "Hurt Locker" in the movie. Or maybe I missed it. Anyway, I was hoping to get some insight into what that meant exactly according to the troops there.

Truly, there are some incredible moments in this film but at the end you walk away saying "eh." There's just not much that moves you or stays with you.
 

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Twilight

The following took place between 11 PM and 1:02 AM: I watched Twilight on pay-per-view. I was emotionally uninvolved enough to read a few chapters of my book, respond to emails and talk to my son about changing his major. That said, I did not miss a thing. So on the plus side, one can definitely multi-task and watch Twilight simultaneously.

It took 48 minutes for Bella to figure out that Edward is a vampire. I timed it. Now, I knew Edward was a vampire from the get-go and I haven’t even read the books. I just paid attention to the movie posters. It was also a no-brainer that Bella was going to figure out that Edward was a vampire. What I don’t know is why we couldn’t get on with it, but instead are forced to endure the most inane dialogue ever uttered in a teenage movie, watch shot after soaring shot and then even more footage of the beautiful Washington state’s forestry (I’m wondering if there was some grease from the state tourism bureau?), wooden, goofy characters that would accidentally fall off the face of the earth if they actually existed and a tiny threat of a plot that went nowhere while Bella pondered, slept, moped, Google’d, checked Amazon online for a book, picked up the book days later from an out of the way bookshop (saving $3.99 in shipping charges, I guess)and then went home and Google’d some more. Ah-ha! It’s all beginning to add up: Edward never eats, has super human strength, is a lovely shade of death skull white, ditches school when the sun breaks through the clouds and has icy-cold hands. You gotta get up pretty early in the morning to get one past ol’ Bella!

Okay, okay, here’s some of my favorite dialogue (verbatim):

Edward: So, how are you liking the rain?

Bella blinks, swallows, and does a double take, staring at Edward long seconds trying to assimilate what he has just said.

Bella: Uh…did you just ask me if I liked the rain?

Wait, wait, here’s another gem:

Reservation Kid on the beach: (to Bella) The Cullins…they know they aren’t allowed on (whatever Indian tribe’s) land.

Later, Bella and Jimmy walk along the beach.

Bella: So, what did he mean, Cullins aren’t allowed here?

Jimmy: Oh, you caught that, huh?

Because, you know, it does seem unlikely most of the time that Bella actually comprehends the English language.

Okay, so aside from issues with dialogue my puppy could have written, weak characters, and lumbering pacing, there’s the antagonist, or the lack there of. It’s a freakin’ vampire flick, where’s our bad guy(s)? Oh, here they are two-thirds of the way through the movie, a terrible trio of vamps (if a vamp has any kind of accent, you know they are trouble, it’s all in the rule book) comes strolling through the woods and run into Bella, Edward and the rest of his peaceful “vegetarian” vampire crew as they play baseball in a thunderstorm (I know, right?) The nice vampires tell the skanky vampires to please quit eating people in the neighboring towns, its really making them look bad. The Skanks say they are sorry, now can we play baseball with you? Sure, ha, ha, ha…then James, the hot white bread skank, catches a wiff of Bella and thinks she’s a Dodger dog. Game over. Edward gets Bella the hell out, but not before they have a minor tiff because he wants to make sure she has her seatbelt on before he takes off (I swear I am not making this up. I’d like to think it would be better if I did.)

But Bella is not safe and never will be because James is a major dick of all vamps and he has to track and kill Bella now just to piss off Edward because that’s the way he is. And Edward just knows this. After all, he and James talked for 30 seconds and had never seen each other before, so of course it’s now on to the death. Great villain set up…NOT! James comes and goes and oh well. It’s back to our regularly scheduled teenage melodrama crap.

Edward’s big life (or undead) lesson here is in order to save Bella’s life he learns when to stop sucking (unlike this movie). Bella blindly trusts him because…he’s cute and so cool and all. Sure he’s a killer; now she wants to be one too! But, why? Her parents are divorced yet love her (although they lack anything remotely resembling parental qualities) she does seem make friends easily and is gorgeous. But oh no, Bella wants to be undead so she can make it with the cute guy. Because they never can, he can’t risk losing control. It’s all so desperately romantically lame and unrequited.

I guess that’s why the little girls understand.

So, two things: with so many excellent vampire franchises out there (Buffy and Angel, True Blood, Blade, Underworld, even Dark Shadows for crying out loud), you better have a pretty damn good story, characters, set of rules, etc. We’ve seen pretty much everything in Twilight and a hell of a lot better. Second of all, shouldn’t a movie compel me to read the source material if I haven’t already? Watchmen, flawed as it was, sure did. I swear, if I see randomly see anyone reading a Twilight tome, I will rip it out of their hands and stomp upon it, ala John Belushi in Animal House.

What I liked: the fact that Twilight vamps stay out of the sunlight because it will reveal their true physical selves, which is all extra sparkly, like diamonds. And, a pretty good soundtrack. Also, Washington State sure is pretty.

Four out of ten on this one, and if I have to watch it again, it may not even get that many! 

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Observe and Report

 This movie is unfortunate in so many ways.

I'm not familiar with Jody Hill's work. It appears he hasn't done much, but after seeing this, it seems that this script just got away from him.

First, he didn't start with a very compelling concept. Concepts should have a built in conflict which begs to be watched.

Observe and Report is about a bi-polar mall security guard, Ronnie Barnhardt played by Seth Rogen, who tries to capture a rather disturbing flasher, while trying to win the heart of a slutty cosmetics clerk. Where's the villain? The flasher never has a plan, and Ronnie's rival, Detective Harrison played by Ray Liotta, is almost as pathetic as Ronnie. Where's the conflict?

Second, there is a lot about this comedy that isn't funny. Take the protagonist's struggles with being bi-polar. Not funny. Also, shooting an unarmed criminal. Not funny. Beating up about 20 cops. Not funny. Doing drugs on the job. Not funny. Borderline date rape. Not at all funny. You get my point. Maybe this movie was poorly marketed as a comedy. But then again, nothing else works in this movie, so I'm not sure what they would have called it.

I'm told this is Jody Hill's shtick with HBO's Eastbound & Down. The series is known for creating unlikeable, unredeemable characters. But maybe Hill should stick with TV. Which leads me to...

Third, the plot is a mess. We're told that the main character wants to be a cop - no spoiler there - and at one point he's very close to achieving his dream. But everything else is just a wash of nonsensical scenes. Even the capture of the flasher takes a back seat as Ronnie stumbles through scenes of yelling at vendors in the mall or drinking coffee with a temporarily disabled fast food employee named Nell. This is a cautionary tale for writers without a clear concept and plot engine. We really never know where this is headed.

Fourth, none of the characters have a character arc. Maybe I'm old school, but when I shell out my $10 for a film, I want to see the film's universe in action. I want to see the main character's flaws tested, and I want to see them go down in flames or emerge victorious - a changed person. Here... well. It looks like Ronnie learned not to go off his bi-polar medication.

And lastly, the writing is unremarkable and in some cases down right ridiculous. None of these scenes really provide any of the actors with anything to work with. The scenes are blah at best, and the end is completely unbelievable. Now I know what you're thinking. "This is a comedy. It's okay for the ending to be unbelievable." I'm going to disagree.

I think Mr. Sevi put it best:
The end of your movie should be the inevitable but unexpected conclusion to everything you've built. It shouldn't be some random event where a character is let off the hook for some pretty major mistakes in the film and then mysteriously hailed as a hero.

I give this 3 out of 10. Definitely a Lemon.

 

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State of Play

Well, first of all, learn from this reviewer’s mistake and do NOT get a big gulp trough size fountain drink before entering the theater to see this film. While I didn’t find State of Play anywhere near as compelling as some, I couldn’t justify a quick trip to the ladies, although I think I easily could have.  

I’m reading blurbs in the print ads touting State of Play as a top notch “thriller” with “twists at every turn”; I don’t agree and I wonder if this is because there are regularly scheduled programs on TV on any given night that are much more thrilling and twistier. Watch “24” or “Breaking Bad” and get your mind blown, or any episode of “Law and Order” for a good corkscrew turn to the plot. State of Play may have some twists, but the viewer is usually alerted at least five minutes in advance to what’s coming.

Russell Crowe’s character, a crusty, dedicated hippie print journalist, is given a hot story involving his former college roommate, (Ben Affleck) an impassioned Senator conducting really important hearings to expose a corrupt large corporation and his research assistant/mistress committed suicide jumping in front of a metro train—or was it murder? The Senator has proof his young hottie did not take her own life and turns to Crowe to help. (Why go to a reporter instead of the police if you suspect your girlfriend was murdered? C’mon, shut up and watch the movie…)
 
Crowe goes to his editor, equally crusty, salty yet classy because she’s Helen Mirren, dammit, and she’s gives him 48 hours to break the story and she’s totally not kidding, or else she’ll be crankier and swear even more. Those are our time stakes? Will he lose his job? Never have lunch in that town again? Political corruption will permeate our very existence and life as we know will cease to exist? Jack Bauer will die of exposure from toxic bio-weapons? Nope, he just better get that story before anyone else does! There’s a hint of the paper going down the tubes, but in no way is it believable that the truth behind the death of the Senator’s mistress is the deal breaker here.
 
Anyway, Crowe with his cutie cub-reporter assistant and affront to the heart of soul of journalism (she’s the newspaper’s blogger) are on the case. Questions are answered, others arise…better call Helen and tell her that they need more time. Dammit, she’s not happy, she looks at her watch, she swears…well, you bloody well better get that story in another 24 hours or else…what? There’s also a sniper running amok who doesn’t seem to have a specific agenda either. We do get a lot of inter cut scenes of him preparing for his next kill, we so know the movie’s not over yet, but in the end, it doesn’t really matter or even add much to the suspense.

I understand that State of Play is based on a brilliant BBC mini-series and it’s gotta be a bitch to boil it down to a few hours, and perhaps therein lies the inherent problem. There may have been aspirations of All the President’s Men or even Absence of Malice: if this is the case, it falls short. And maybe I just watch too much random television to be thoroughly impressed by this flawed, but ambitions film’s attempt to keep me on the edge of my seat.  

What I liked: I did stay engaged throughout the movie. The cast is impressive and no one is short-changed script wise. The dialogue is mostly good. I truly appreciate the undergoing theme of the demise of print journalism in favor of online news and sleazy tabloids. And I heart Jason Bateman (his sleazy PR character is perfection) and want to be Helen Mirren when I grow up.

So, I give State of Play 6 lemons…make your self a cool, refreshing beverage and don’t forget to add some extra sugar (or booze.) 

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I Love You, Man

Take heart, all mooney-eyed, tender souls in search of fantasy funny love; the romantic comedy is NOT dead. Indeed it is not, but it has adorned a new persona, the Bromance. A “bromance” is not a male driven romantic comedy (ala Knocked Up and 40 Year Old Virgin), there’s no boy on boy action involved. It celebrates the joy of brotherhood. And in the case of I Love You, Man it’s all good.  
I Love You, Man was directed and written by John Hamburg (with Larry Levine of Seinfeld creed), starring Paul Rudd as Peter and Jason Segal as Sydney. It’s a simple story that faithfully follows the classic, etched in stone romantic comedy structure (from which one must NEVER deviate, stop saying that you can):  
Boy meets girl (boy): Paul meets Sydney at open house and they later bond over fish tacos and beer. It’s awkward, yet sweet and we feel the sparks.
Boy gets girl (boy). Guys become best friends, hang out a lot in Sydney’s man cave, discuss disgusting guy things and jam to Rush, “Sweet, sweet hanging!”

Boy loses girl (boy) due to interference by family or corrupt official: Paul dumps Sydney when his fiancé becomes jealous and suspicious of their relationship coupled with Sydney’s faux pas of inappropriate investments in a series of hilarious billboards (which deserved more screen time IMO, providing the biggest laughs in this very funny movie)

Boy gets girl (boy) back due to duex ex machina: Sydney and Paul reunite and kindle their bromance and it’s a beautiful thing. This is not a spoiler, the viewer knows it’s going to happen and you will smile and maybe bat away a few tears. Hello, Romantic Comedies MUST have a happy ending! (The freaking The Break-Up did not follow this structure, did not have a happy ending and is therefore NOT a romantic comedy, so stop saying that is! Dammit.)

There seems to be quite an obsession with projectile vomiting and dog doo, but no lurid sex, nudity, etc...Just a sweet story of two guys who learn that guys need other guys, dude. Guys like to talk about their rules. It's important to discuss masturbation and play air guitar, even better if you can twang a bass. Only guys can appreciate the love another guy has for Rush.  

Manly, yes. But chicks like it too!  

I Love You, Man is such a simple joy, much credit is given to the lead actors who all give heart-felt, goofy performances (and what a thrill to see Jane Curtin again and any movie with Thomas Lennon is okie-dokey by me) but this flick really relies on its good solid cheekbones, hanging beautifully from it’s structure.

I give it 7. 5 lemons…and that’s enough to make a tangy, tart meringue .
 

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X-Men Origins: Wolverine

After Brett Ratner single-handedly felled the franchise when he took over for X-Men 3, I had few expectations for the first in the prequel trilogy, X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Having said that, those expectations were met but never succeeded.

As far as basic structure, plot development and protagonist/antagonist establishment go, it’s all there. The important lesson learned is that mutants don’t kill people; people kill mutants and furthermore make mutants look bad by killing other people. There is a neat little twist at rug pulling, then an open ended ending so we know X-Men Origins: The Rest of the Guys, is on it’s way eventually to a theater near you.

The major failings script wise are the characters and number one is Wolverine; he’s just no fun with all his intensity and seriousness and constantly howling in rage. A one note presence, his arc is non-existent. Getting shot point blank in the head and losing your memory is not necessarily character development.

Sabretooth and Gambit are wildly more interesting and one yearns for them to come back ASAP when they are out of the scene.

Sabretooth and Stryker vie for antihero status here; ultimately Stryker wins out as he’s more in balance. But exactly what are his motivations? We get a nano-second scene and a line of dialogue as explanation. Might I suggest less howling and more character motivation?

Could have been better, could have been worst, definitely a fumble for the summer movie season kick off, X-Men Origins: Wolverine gets four lemons. More Gambit would have helped considerably, I’m just saying…

 

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