(Possible Spoiler Alert! No worries, it doesn’t matter…)
Conceptually, Jennifer’s Body should is one of the most promising films of the millennium. First of all, it’s all girls, all the time (the boys are just kibble)venturing into the horror/comedy genre and that’s been Sam Raimi and his ilk’s macho territory, mostly. But the director and screenwriter forgot two important elements. If you are doing horror it should be at least kinda scary. If it’s a comedy, it should be sorta funny. And because of these gross oversights, you can talk until the zombies come home about any little gem (such as Meagan Fox’s performance, transcending the script) that accidentally shines through, but Jennifer is dead, baby.
High School hottie Jennifer (Meagan Fox) and her nerdy childhood friend Needy (Amanda Seyfried) live in the small town of Devil’s Kettle. Needy is a good, responsible, smart girl who sucked Jennifer’s blood from a puncture wound in the sandbox when they were children, even though Jennifer always made her play with the ugly dolls. And that, dear viewer is why Needy can…oh wait, let’s go back. So a poser Indie band decided to sacrifice a virgin because Satan is the only way they can make it big. They pick Jennifer, because the hottest girl in a seedy roadhouse is probably the only virgin around, right? But Jennifer isn’t even a “back door virgin.” And we find out that if you sacrifice a girl and she’s not a virgin…PEOPLE DIE!
Needy begins to notice fairly soon that something is up with Jen. When she shows up at Needy’s house covered with blood, growling and vomiting up an oil spill on the kitchen floor that was a HUGE clue. But the next day, Jen is her cool bitchy self, totally oblivious to the suffering of others, feeling “scrumptious” because she found out she’s especially hot after devouring some poor guy…when she’s done, they are “lasagna with teeth”. When the going gets tough, the tough go to the library and Needy bones up on some demonic book learning. Now, I hate to be a nitpicking nerd myself, but the concept of “succubus” here is essentially used incorrectly. Succubus (Succubi?) don’t eat men, they torment them in their sleep and do actually engage in intercourse. Jen’s chomping on innards and slurping blood right and left; she teases and then she bites. Hard. Not a succubus. Twenty seconds on Wikipedia would have cleared that up.
This is a teenage movie so there’s a spring dance and Jennifer decides she needs to get herself some Chip (Johnny Simmons, Needy’s fuzzy cute and loyal boyfriend. When Needy starts getting nervous because Chip’s a no show, she hauls ass in her hideous fuchsia formal to the exact spot where Jen is setting herself up with a Chip buffet. Know why? Ding, ding, ding, because she sucked Jen’s blood in the sandbox when they were tykes. So she knows everything thing Jen’s is doing. Just believe it because they said it, don’t think about it or you’ll be bitter like me.
During this standoff Needy gallantry tries to save Chip and tells Jen off once and for all (“You’re insecure! You’re a jerk!”), and then one of the worst lines ever in the history of all movies I have ever seen is uttered: half-dead, Chip impales Jen through the gut with a huge pole and a bloody Jen says, “Got a tampon?” This got the biggest reaction from the audience I was with, all groans. Later, Needy rips off Jen’s “BFF” necklace and kills her and goes to an insane asylum, no-brainer because the film opens there. Way to build suspense.
And there’s some more, now here’s the thing, everyone loves a “Fatal Attraction” type ending, but if you are publicly broadcasting exactly what is going to happen ten minutes before, it’s actually softens the impact, dontcha think?
As an aspiring female screenwriter (just aspiring with the “screenwriter” part) I hate that Jennifer’s Body is no where near the movie it could have been. We learn an important lesson from Ms. Cody’s efforts and that is this: Don’t rest on your laurels. She scored with relevant teenage characters, great dialogue and slang in Juno. It’s going to take a bit more than a line like “Jesus Fries” (no one “honest to blogged” this time) to frighten an audience (although the tampon line was pretty dang close for me.) Look, I’m an easy mark, my bedroom ceiling fan looks like a Blair Witch stick figure and I had to sleep with the lights on for a week. The themes and concepts are well intentioned, but half baked. Hell is a teenage girl? Tell me something I don’t know. Instead of depicting a shallow female relationship, why not delve into something deeper? Needy never tries to save Jen, she only tries to avoid her and then avenges her fate after the fact and that’s because she “got lucky” and has super powers due to a demon bite on the shoulder. (Oh, how Jen loved to nibble). Oh yeah, and why the lesbian scene between the friends? Never mind, don’t really want to know.
But hey, I may be totally off base here. A teenage friend on Facebook and her chum were shrieking that the movie is scary and had a grand time quoting lines between Jen and Needy. So maybe, once again, the little girls understand. Is this the future of horror then? Yikes.
I don’t totally hate myself for seeing this and I did learn an important lesson about growth as a screenwriter, falling on your own sword and all that...so…three lemons. Plus, Megan Fox is great!
